I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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