alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize