guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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