eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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