Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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