Just cropdusted the office
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
