11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
