Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
