they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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