I could make wine with my vomit
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
