I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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