what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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