so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
