you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
