dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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