Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
