i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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