We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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