Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
