I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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