do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Im part way to drunk.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
