break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
