Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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