I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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