i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
