And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
