we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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