Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, beer. Big fan.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
