Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
