So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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