Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
