I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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