i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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