Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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