Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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