well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
