I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
