you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
