Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
