He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
