Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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