Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
