Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
