so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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