Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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