Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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