u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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