I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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