so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
