6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
