Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
