Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
