nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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