i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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