I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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