That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
