Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
