Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
