if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
