I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
