glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
