I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize