I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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