Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
