i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
